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This page is dedicated to keeping you up to date on the various events concerning the Centre. Please
feel obligated to email us at tributeplus(at)yahoo.com.au if you feel moved or compelled in any way to comment or contribute to this site.
Our first news announcement centres on one of our team, who you may recognise to be the Professor of
General Surgery, as she celebrates the success of her first lobotomy.
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There is unmistakable joy as the Professor of General Surgery has made an attempt to crown herself following the survival of her first lobotomy patient.
Her levity belies the weight of responsibility she must carry at all times in her unwavering devotion to her patients, alive or dead. The Centre boasts a fine cemetry whose lawns are kept in immaculate condition by the local grave-digger. |
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How rested our Professor of Psychiatry appears after shedding her white consulting gown and heading for the surf.
She is having a small break from her practice comfortable in the knowledge that her patients are getting quality sleep in her absence.
Looking quite glamorous in this photo but of course, there is an explanation - she was pre-menopausal at the time. Her neat Chanel shorts eventually found a home at the Centre's second-hand clothing outlet.
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T-shirt by Gucci
Shorts by Chanel |
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A second-hand clothing outlet is now in operation at the Centre.
Clothing will be donated by those inpatients no longer requiring it.
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A most satisfying result.
A recent photograh of our Professor of General Surgery perched high above the city having ensured that no smoke signals were being attempted by laundry staff from their homes.
A most thorough visual scan was performed and it would seem the matter is now well in hand.
Congratulations all.
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* WARNING - INCREASE IN CRIME WAVE * |
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After a period of inital compliance as reported above, it is distressing to learn that the laundry staff have now resorted to using extreme measures to try and shield the chimneys from the Professor of General Surgery’s many viewing stations.
The resident gardener has identified various tree branches which have been taped and stapled together to form a shield in an effort to camouflage the chimneys.
Please be warned, this form of tampering must cease, or persons responsible will be dropped down the laundry chute.
Our Professor of Tropical Surgery has taken to the skies in a combative move against smoke signalling. Machine guns seen on board are used according to mood because their aim is unreliable. This particular aerial check revealed all was quiet and a smiling Professor heads for home.
A Sorry State of Affairs
A proposed newspaper article was found on the desk of the local newspaper - The Village Gazette - and smuggled into the Centre which deals with this infernal smoke problem. It is not clear to us as yet why this piece of paper has been subjected to such aggressive tearing...
We have decided to publish the article right here because the junior journalist on whose desk it was found has not been sighted since its discovery. There may be foulplay involved and we would urge anyone who knows anything about the matter to go to the comments box on our Showtime page to advise us anonymously of information they may have been hiding to date. Any leads would be followed. A free ticket to our next show will be handed over to anyone who is able to give us relevant information face-to-face.
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Because of continued defiance by laundry staff in Block B, whose behaviour bordered on psychotic,
Block B laundry has been completely demolished. The staff responsible for the Centre having to take this unpredecented step to gain control have been moved to the sanctuary
of the Inner Rooms.
The demolition was witnessed by general staff and residents.
Laundry staff from Block A were invited to the occasion but were noticeably absent. |
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As the chimney is symbolic of the chaos that laundry hands have been creating, it too was dealt with in no uncertain manner as an example to laundry staff in Block A, where
heated arguments have ensued.
One of the laundry staff can be seen still protesting at the demolition of the chimney.
The explosions caused agitation amongst the inpatients and more expense has been incurred due to
the floors being deeply gouged by
their chairs. |
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It's General Surgery!
In Hollywood!
Yes, we hadn't told you of her surprise visit to Los Angeles. And what a wonderful ambassador for Australia she is - wearing her wombat hat and wombat slip-ons - quite the fashion plate, and certainly doing her bit for Australia. (No harm was caused to the wombats in the production of this photograph - road-kill). It is redundant to say that she made a tremendous impact on the people of Los Angeles and its celebrities. Of course she did not wait for the lavish party invitations to flow to her - she just enjoyed surprising all those renowned folk as they opened their big doors to the beautiful people of Tinseltown.
Her wombat accessories went with her everywhere and she told us they never once failed to be noticed wherever she went. A devotee of warm headwear, she can be seen sporting another smart look in our Bulletin.
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Now back at the Centre her dedication is ever-apparent. Although only working with skeleton staff, General Surgery still finds the time in her hectic schedule for performing diagnoses.
Why don't they tell her she is wasting her time? No guts. |
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The Centre is indeed fortunate to have newly acquired the employ
of a well known chef who has recently moved into town, away from
the pressures of big city life.
As our ex Head Chef is now engaged in lengthy sessions with the Professor
of Psychiatry, our new chef will improve the dietary status of the inpatients.
Food intake plays a major role in progressive and successful rehabilitation.
Tropical Medicine said she feels a "real affinity" with the new chef and
welcomed him aboard with opened bottles arms.
As seen here, our new chef has kindly volunteered to perform a taste test of
his first meal prepared at the Centre. The budding devotion to the inpatients he is developing is evident from his willingness to take part in such an admirable gesture. Tropical Medicine was quite liberal with her praise.
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Council to acquire
the services of a new Mayor
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The Honourable M Oron, the former Town Mayor, a little the worse for wear after an all night drinking binge, fell into the council garbage disposal truck which he mistook for the council chambers and as the truck drove away he was heard shouting "Clean up these filthy offices immediately or I'll have you all carted away". |
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General Surgery's dedication is such that she has to be wheeled from the operating theatre having become overwrought and insisting that she bring the theatre trolley with her. Her stethoscope is ever at the ready.
The Professor of Psychiatry seems to be debating exactly what medication is required to control General Surgery's worrying behaviour
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There is a high level of concern about General Surgery's recent activities. Visiting relatives of an inpatient had an unfortunate argument with a slow boom gate mechanism (this was witnessed by Mr Law N Mower whose infernal presence at the Centre is scheduled to be dealt with very soon) and General Surgery is thought to have mistaken the broken mechanism for a patient who has taken a tumble.
Having misplaced her favourite hat, she has taken to wearing surgical gloves about her head and will not be parted from her stethescope. It has not escaped the notice of Psychiatry that her colleague has painted her stethescope red, which offers hope that she still has insight into her behaviour. |
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Psychiatry prepares for a fast chiropractic adjustment before she tackles Mr Law N Mower - that is, before she tackles the problem of Mr Law N Mower.
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It seems Tropical Medicine is taking on the habits of General Surgery, equipped with stethescope and headwear, as she is caught examining a dead plant. No doubt she is again in need of extra hydration.
Psychiatry will really have to up her act if the Centre is to function adequately.
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Meanwhile, back at the farm so to speak, our Professor of General Surgery is being attended to by Tropical Medicine. It is not entirely clear whether General Surgery is saluting, having spotted the camera, or whether all the stress is finally getting the better of her. Tropical Medicine is doing her best to try and come up with a prognosis but unfortunately seems oblivious to the fact that she has placed the stethescope on her own wrist. This is conclusive evidence that Tropical Medicine functions best only when she is properly hydrated.
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Painstaking preparation of the remains of Mr Law N Mower is underway and intense concentration is evident.
Our professors work with a well developed scapula created by many years of pushing a heavy lawn mower.
All bone specimens will be preserved for posterity, and stored in view of the laundry staff.
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It has come to our attention via a reliable source that the Centre is under threat from a mysterious person with a military background who is said to have offered his considerable expertise in heading up an escape committee in a bid to rescue inpatients.
It was leaked that The Village Gazette got wind of the plan but would not release any details to professorial staff. Such disloyalty is disappointing and the Gazette has been put on notice that this withholding of information will not go unpunished.
However, our professors are busily preparing for a private viewing of their sequel movie before the imminent premiere is announced and the penalty the Gazette will suffer as a consequence of its disobedience must be postponed until time allows for its implementation. In the interim it would do well to reconsider its position in this matter.
General Surgery, thorough by nature, checks for any sign of life in a Centre skip. Any inpatients discovered in forbidden areas will be escorted to the Inner Rooms and allowed time to ponder the error of their ways.
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A couple of nimble inpatients make a courageous attempt to beat Centre security but our professors are alert to the new threat and act swiftly.
Psychiatry has taken precautionary steps of boarding up air vents to reduce the chances of the air ducting being used as a possible escape route.
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Green Hills Centre MRI machines dismantled
The Professor of Psychiatry at the Green Hills Centre has ordained that all MRI machines used at the Centre be dismantled and trucked to the local tip. It is reported that she has recently had occasion to have personal experience with an MRI scan due to what we believe to be a disobedient knee. Because the Professor of General Surgery was involved in prolonged and delicate surgery at the time, it was necessary to enlist the aid of a local radiologist to take the pictures.
Psychiatry became more and more convinced as time went by that her knee was acting more abnormally since having the MRI scan and, in her inimitable way, began to suspect the MRI man. She believes the man who operated the MRI machine was masquerading as a radiologist and was under hypnotic instructions of another well known psychiatrist, who sometimes goes by the name of The Red Baron. Our Professor of Psychiatry is well aware of The Red Baron's stalking habits and of his many attempts to reach her via the Professor of General Surgery. He may have been successful but for General Surgery's eagle eye and quick deflective action whenever he appeared.
With her many patients in mind, Psychiatry is taking no risks as far as infiltrators gaining entry and learning how to use MRI machines to create harm. She has not reached the scientific bottom of this problem; rather the expedient solution was to remove the MRIs altogether. When the local Mayor, Mr M Oron, arrived in a somewhat inebriated state to suggest that one of the MRIs be preserved and placed in the local garden park for children to climb, she again knew who was behind this plot. She could envision the possibility of attaching long-range lasers to an MRI machine, pointed at The Centre. The Red Baron may go the same way as Mr Lawn N Mower if he doesn't watch his step. |
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This is a quick,
up-to-the-minute announcement about the latest success of our Professor of General Surgery. After voluntarily reporting for jury duty, the Judge sitting the case was so impressed with our Professor's delivery of the guilty verdict and the reasoning behind it he offered her his private Chambers and full jurisdiction over his court during his vacation period.
General Surgery has made the time in her busy schedule to have criminals committed to jail sentences on a daily basis. Her speediness in dealing with criminal cases has astounded the legal world and her reputation expands its boundaries almost as fast. She is proving quite popular with juries as she interjects humour with seriousness in the courtroom and has even been prepared to treat the court to her surgical instrument juggling act, not an easy task to perform in the constraints of her legal gown and wig.
Follow General Surgery on sabattical and discover the heights of fame she has quite unexpectedly reached.
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